The dark side of me.
which is basically the emotionally disturbed me.
I find myself easily drowned in negative emotions, and also I take a much longer time than others to recover. During this period, I tend to overreact to every little things I am no longer the normal me.
When people are in pain, they sometimes cannot help but to spread that energy onto others. When people communicate in ways that are hurtful to you, it is not meant to be personal, but rather a reflection of their internal state.
What I managed to observe (up to date) when I am emotionally disturbed:
I shut myself completely.
I want to be left alone. I can't talk to anyone when my mind is cluttered like that it frustrates me. All I want is to be alone because that makes me feel better, at least for that temporary period. Instead of talking to someone for help, I keep everything to myself.
I realized I also can't be true to someone who is close to me when it comes to things that made me emotionally disturbed. Which includes my family members, my close friends and my then partner. I have this really weird fear that I fear by telling them(those who are close to me) they are in a better position to hurt me in return since they already knew so much about me. Because of this fear, I always always always reacted defensively. I said things and acted in the total opposite way of how I truly felt in heart, when facing my close ones. But I can be more open when facing strangers, funny isn't it?
Over the years, I've been emotionally disturbed for the very same problem.
IT all started few years ago, just right before I started college.
I remember one night of three years ago, it happened again.
I was in my coll's hostel. I was still kinda to the environment and I have no friends yet. I could still remember I was feeling so terribly upset at that time, that I felt like jumping down from my window.
Out of desperation, I turned to the only person I knew who was staying at the same hostel, as we were attending the same class in college. I cried in front of him eventhough I barely knew him at that time. We walked halfway down the hill (my hostel was on top of a small hill) and walked up again while I was only crying and crying. [He is ah gooi if u must know]
After so many years, it is still bothering me.
In fact, it got bigger and worsen over the years.
My perception and confidence towards relationships changed as it affected me to a great depth.
My relationship with my mom got really bad too. I blamed her for the pain that I'd to only suffer alone. I dreaded to receive her calls. Seeing her only makes me cranky and sad. Again, I only want to run away from problems. Everytime she visits, I only want to stay alone in my bedroom.
I couldn't even remember how many times I'd ran out of my home because of it.
For someone who pretty much hate driving that I would avoid driving as much as possible, for many times I actually grabbed the car keys and drove out overwhelmed with anger, confusion and sadness. That was because
it happened when I was back in hometown. I could still remember there was once I knocked my neighbour's car when I was reversing the car. I have to admit my mind was so cluttered I wasn't in a state to drive at that time, seriously.
If I was stucked here in KL, I would either squat in corner of my room with window, or lied down on the floor and cried my lungs out because I was feeling so upset and helpless. I felt like I could never run away from
it and there is only one thing in my mind when i'm emotionally disturbed, that is, to RUNAWAY from everything.
Because I kept everything to myself, I got really lost.
I didn't know I was stucked in the dark forest.
I lost touch with reality. My eyes refuse to see what is supposed to be seen.
I find in order to protect the weak me inside, I became very defensive, I pretended and acted what I perceived as strong.
It will quickly become clear that the other person was acting out of the instincts of their inner caveman, and thus blinded by their own emotions.
Little did I know this is actually how I react to the resentment, the emotional burden I'd been carrying and accumulating all the time.
I didn't see that I was actually being destructive to my relationships, be it with my parents and family members, and also my partner back then.
I sought to fill the emptiness within me in many ways.
I tried to get even with everything.
Compulsive spending offered me a temporary relief.
Material objects provided me the temporary happiness, the feeling of contentment I couldn't get else where.
I indulged in binge eating.
I overreacted in everything, my inner body craved for more attention.
This cycle goes on and on in me.
My friends didn't know about it.
My parents thinks my behavior is getting more and more awful. They think I'd changed for the worse.
I transferred my resentment for
it towards my then partner. I made a horrible mistake thinking that he is the source of my unhappiness. I made both of us unhappy.
As much as I regret how I allowed myself to affect the relationship with my then partner, I also know I can't be blaming only myself. Because a relationship goes both ways.
An awesome article on how to overcome resentment.Because it is very important to get help before it's too late, I must learn to share and communicate my
negative emotions and feelings. That is something I'm never know how to. I know I need to talk to others.Tell my close ones about it. That is what friends and family for. In fact, they were happy because they felt important that I trust them enough to tell them my deepest secret. I wish I know that earlier.
Yesterday marked the first time of where I am finally brave enough to call up my mom and shared her my inner feelings. Because I've now fallen into a new grief cycle. I then called up another girl friend of mine and cried to her again. I believe I can get through this cycle easier than the previous one, with the new me and also my supportive friends and family.
Yesterday also marked the first time in my life where I received a card from a friend who confessed his feelings for me. Thank you for your card and love. Though I'm deeply sorry I had to disappoint you. I am truly not in a state for whereby I'm ready for a new relationship.
When I am feeling low, all I need is support from friends to show me that I'm still a lovable person. The last thing I need right now is attention from guys. =)
* * *
Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.
Because...
"One can have no smaller or greater mastery than mastery of oneself." - Leonardo da Vinci
Awareness is all I need.
